This next post is going to sound really trivial, but hear me out – it may bear some minor importance to you too.
Recently I dyed my hair ginger, it wasn’t actually meant to go that colour but as far as I was concerned the more outrageous the better. Before that I had cut my hair really short, practically shaved my back and sides. A couple of months before that I had a short bob. A few months before that I had long hair and a full fringe. The point being, I change my hair a lot.
Not only do I have a thing about changing my hair (I WILL be shaving bits off ASAP!) but recently I have become a bit of a MAC addict and I invest a lot of time into my face. Again, I can get pretty wacky and wonderful – I like it bold and I like it weird.
I’ve also changed the way I’ve dressed complete. Gone is the jeans and a hoodie girl, replaced with heels and blazers and vintage items a sixteen year old me never even dreamed of owning. I won’t lie, a couple of dresses have inspired some plate-dropping moments, and my bum has never looked better, but that’s beside the point!
I’d almost go as far to say if you looked at me three years ago and compared it to me today, I look completely different. I haven’t lost weight or gained weight or even grown taller – all the changes I’ve made I’ve been really intentional about.
I didn’t even notice what I was doing until recently. You know when you catch yourself in a thought and double take, like where on earth did that thought come from? What went through my mind was “what can I do to make myself completely unrecognisable? I want people I know to look and think ‘who’s she?!’. What look will get the biggest reaction?”
I won’t lie, I was a little surprised at myself. I started to search for a reason for my irrational thoughts. I pinned it down to a certain period of time after I’d been pretty low. I was hurt so much I didn’t want to be associated with that previous me anymore. I wanted to reflect someone new, edgier, interesting and less breakable.
The funny thing is after all the changes I made on the outside I realised I was still the same person who had been hurt, I just had new hair and looked a bit cooler. Sure I looked fine, but inside was a whole different issue.
I’m quickly learning that it’s not about how my outside is, as much as I love retail therapy. If I really want to be different I can’t rely on new hair or makeup, or even tattoos and piercings. Any real change HAS to be an inside out one, not outside in.
So, to all you hurt people out there and people looking for a change, look on the inside first. I guarantee you that your issues aren’t skin deep.