Bringing realness to my blog these days. I feel like I’m learning new things every day about myself, about life and all sorts of things. I felt like y’all should be included in my thought processes too.
Today’s hot topic was jealousy. It’s a terrible disease isn’t it? I’ve always had a small problem with it, not always an obvious one but every once in a while it would rear it’s ugly head.
Like many young girls, I’ve never felt totally comfortable with the way I look. I’m too short, I don’t have enough curves and to top it off it’s not easy being black. I won’t lie and say that I always understood or appreciated black beauty, because that wasn’t what is was exposed to. My idea of beauty when I was growing up was a tall slim white lady.
I wanted straight hair. I wanted lighter skin. I wanted conventional beauty. Being me wasn’t beautiful. The majority of my peers don’t look for women who look like me. They also looked for the ‘norm’, the women I was never going to be.
I walked around for years not believing I was beautiful because I didn’t fit with anybody else’s idea of beauty – including my own. In a way it was like a kind of self harm, tearing myself down on the inside because I didn’t like what I saw.
Everything is made ten times harder when you have gorgeous friends. I love all of them to pieces, but wow. On a bad day I’d take a self esteem hit just by being around them. Nothing really feels nice when you envy your female friends and your male friends are always commenting on how hot they are.
Recently I read a book by a dude named Sean Covey called ‘The 6 Most Important Decisions You’ll Ever Make’. He speaks about these things called paradigms, which are the unique way you see the world. You’re always going to see the world through your own unique pair of glasses which either enhance or distort the truth. Sometimes you need to change those glasses before you see things for what they are.
I am me. God made me who I am for a reason. Don’t ask me what it is yet. I can choose to look at myself as ugly. I can choose to feel bad because my friends are who they are. I have a choice.
So I decided I choose to change my view. I’ll take this as day one of my choice – day one to recovery if you will. I will embrace everything that is good in me, and know myself for who I am, not who I think I am. Only by knowing and loving me can I move on and celebrate other people.
So here’s to Robyn getting to know Robyn. To the bumpy and painful journey ahead. To the growing I’ll do along the way. To the sickness I’m getting over
I’ll keep you posted as always.